001: It Wasn't Enough

Present-day me was living the once far-off fantasy of younger me and found it to not feel like enough.

Breaking Beyond shares stories of those who know life begins when we get past barriers—internal and external. Tune in for personal stories from a solo traveling brown woman defying norms to interviews with dreamers and trailblazers who have broken beyond.

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"Whatever you do, don't Google it," she said just as we had finished going over my blood test results.

Wait, what? Why would she specifically say that? Googling hadn't even crossed my mind.

But of course, what did I do immediately upon returning to my desk in the open space office floor plan of a 2010s startup? Yep, I Googled it.

Bone marrow disorders, leukemia or other bone marrow cancers, liver cirrhosis, hepatitis C, lupus, the list didn't stop.

I didn't have time to dwell on that though. I let it be a passing thought. I had a week until my follow-up appointment. If it was urgent, they wouldn't have waited that long.

...Right?

I wasted no time. I dove right back into work. This marketing campaign wasn’t going to make itself successful. Doing my job felt more important to work on than managing my emotional response to this news and my overall physical health.

It wasn't until days later when those scared and curious thoughts became too loud to ignore. I found myself Googling again while at home. That’s when the realization sank into my body.

I'm mortal.

How was I, a healthy 28-year old potentially dealing with a life-threatening illness? I workout, I eat well, I walk, I challenge myself.

How is this possible?

My mortality set in and I couldn’t shake it. It took over every fiber of my being. My body felt wavy. I started questioning reality. What is life?

Temporary.

Fragile.

Precious.

Can be taken in seconds.

I still had four days until the follow-up appointment. Those four days felt like eternity. Time is funny that way, isn’t it? I had thoughts swarming my mind incessantly. I had these thoughts before but not at this frequency and not nearly with the same magnitude.

If I died, what would I have accomplished with my life? What have I done? What am I proud of? What do I want to do in this life? If I die in a year, what would be the most important thing for me to do right now? If I have cancer, do I have to move back in with my parents to get through treatments? What does that mean for this career I feel so passionate about growing? Who am I?

Whoa.

My mind was off the rails. But it was asking valid questions. Questions I didn’t have answers to. Questions I didn’t know how to begin to answer. It's unfortunate that it took a shock to my system for these questions to be acknowledged with the attention they deserve.

I had spent life catering to my family and what society deemed acceptable. I did all the "right" things. I got good grades in high school, volunteered, did extracurriculars, went to college, worked almost full-time while getting my undergrad degree full-time, graduated, got a job, then got a better job. Decided to go to grad school part-time while working full-time in the SF tech startup scene, applied, got in, moved to San Francisco, overpaid for the apartment I was staying in, got better and better jobs. Maintained friendships, dated, challenged comfort zones, kept in close contact with my family, played the part.

Blaaaaaaah.

It wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough that I already broke cultural barriers in my family—I moved out of my parents house and was living on my own—even after finishing school. It wasn't enough that I was the first in my family to get a master's degree. Something else was calling me. Calling me to challenge myself in a way I had never before imagined. It was a distant, far-off fantasy.

I was actively living my younger self's far-off fantasy—living in San Francisco on my own, with a "good" job, solid friends, and freedom. What more could I want? What more could there be out there?

Realization set in, I had been living my life for others; my family's desires, society's expectations, my friends. I hadn't been living the life I wanted for me. I didn't even know the life I wanted for me. How does a person figure that out?

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Question for the Readers

What was your eye-opening moment? The conversation, experience, emotion, or observation that helped you feel the fleeting nature of life? I would love to hear from you. What was the catalyst that brought you closer to your Self?

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