002: Heightened Senses
Heightened senses are an evolutionary response to fear. They kick in even if the threat isn't immediate. Even if the threat may or may not be real. Our bodies can feel it.
Breaking Beyond shares stories of those who know life begins when we get past barriers—internal and external. Tune in for personal stories from a solo traveling brown woman defying norms to interviews with dreamers and trailblazers who have broken beyond.
This story is a continuation of my last post, It Wasn’t Enough. Each new post will be a continuation of the previous while simultaneously being a standalone story.
After a few follow-up appointments and even more blood tests, my PCP (primary care physician) was not able to diagnose what was going on. She ultimately referred me to a Hematology/Oncology specialist.
A blood and cancer specialist. What is happening?
Over the course of the next couple of weeks, the appointment crept its way towards me. I was dreading the appointment while equally holding onto the hope that everything would be fine.
I arrived at the office of the specialist in a hospital in San Francisco. Upon entering the office, each of my senses heightened as my fear kicked in; I noticed the sudden temperature drop, the unmistakable smell of a doctor’s office, the forest green leather chairs with tears and individual threads poking out, the change of the taste in my mouth, and most noticeably, the stark realization that I appeared to be the youngest in the room by at least four to five decades.
How am *I* here?
Not a single person in my life knew what was going on. I preferred to keep it to myself. I didn’t want sympathy or to constantly be asked how I felt. I wanted to share the information with people once I knew something concrete. Because if it was nothing, why worry anyone?
Right?
I checked-in with the receptionist. She gave me some forms to fill out about my health history, insurance information, and general mental well-being. Upon returning the forms, she handed me a personalized hospital wristband.
Okay, this is nothing, I'm not being admitted. It's just hospital regulation.
I sat and waited to be called while trying to regulate my breath. I was in complete disbelief that I was there as the patient and not accompanying or visiting a family member as I had done many times before.
I was called to meet with the specialist—in normal US doctor’s office fashion—30 minutes after the scheduled appointment time.
“Okay, Ms. Chand, how are you feeling?”
“Uhhh.. pretty nervous.”
“I understand. Let’s go over your results, shall we?”
He explained again why I was there and reviewed the results of the tests my PCP ordered. Then, he outlined the order of the specific tests he was going to run and why he was going to run them. From there, depending on how those went, he would determine the next tests that would come, and so on. He outlined a lot of possible outcomes.
He sounded so official. He used big words. Words I didn’t understand. I asked for clarification frequently. I consider myself pretty smart. I can confidently say I’m not dumb. But this. This was new. Information was being shared too quickly for me while I was also trying to hang onto whatever meaning of life I had up until that point and also calculating how my life might change as a result.
“Alright, Shailla, any questions?”
*blank stare*
“Um… no? I don’t think so…”
“Well, if anything comes up, just shoot me an email through the provider portal. We’ll see you soon.”
I left feeling more hopeful than before yet even more afraid. All those steps he outlined, many of which my business-minded-corporate-marketing-self didn’t fully understand, were overwhelming. I still didn’t feel ready to tell anyone. Life moved on like normal, even though nothing felt normal. I hid it so well, even those closest in my life had no idea.
Is that impressive or scary?
Life became dull. While I continued to go through the motions of life by working, going out with friends, doing the so-called “normal” things people in their 20s do, my mind had a full-time occupant: existentialism.
What is the point of anything? What do I want to do with my life? Life is fleeting. What is the meaning of anything? My life? Anyone's life? Why are we here?
I enjoyed pondering and having discussions around these kinds of questions but before that moment, they were always in theory. I had never actually been faced with the reality of my own mortality.
After a few more weeks and many more tests, all of which pointed towards continuing to take the next step, I had to move forward down the path the specialist had outlined on day one. I would have to have a surgical procedure done in the next week or two if my next test pointed in that direction. This is when I got scared. Too scared. I had to tell someone. I had been keeping this all to myself for months.
My parents had a tendency to do the same thing to me and my brother. When anything was medically wrong or potentially wrong, they didn’t tell us. I hated that. But here I was… doing the exact same thing to them. I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.
I decided it was time to tell them, my brother, and his wife what was going on. I didn’t want to continue doing to them what they’d done to me so many times before.
My parents, brother, sister-in-law, and I were all sitting at the dining room table one night when I was visiting my parent's house. We had just finished eating and were conversing about the latest things in each of our lives. I felt awkward. Stuck. My mind was yelling at me inside to say something but my mouth wasn’t moving. The energy changed in the room, it was that noticeable shift when people get ready to call it a night. I knew I had to say something.
"Hey, guys, I have something to share that might be nothing, is probably nothing but could be something."
The sentence was met with a palpable dead silence and four sets of eyes staring at me, waiting for more.
"My blood tests have been coming out weird for the last few months and they don't yet know what it is but I may have to have a procedure done in the next week or two depending on how this last test comes out. I thought I should tell you guys because I've been freaking out about it a little."
My mom’s eyes started filling with tears, my dad was in a state of shock, my brother zoned out, but my sister-in-law spoke up.
“Okay, so what tests have you gotten so far? What are they saying are the potential outcomes? What test are you waiting on?”
She helped bring the family into the moment by asking relevant questions that probably didn’t cross their minds as they processed my fragmented flood of information.
“Well, the results of my tests continue to prompt forward movement towards nailing down what could be going on. We just haven’t reached the point of knowing yet.”
I explained that it could be nothing all the way to cancer but that's true of most irregular tests—they could always end up being cancer.
Cancer.
That word intensified the fear and tension in the room. I was the youngest there, what did it mean if I had cancer? I saw the look on my mother’s face. A million different scenarios ran through her mind.
“I’ll keep you guys updated on what happens, as it happens moving forward. But please, can we not tell anyone yet? I don’t want to share something that could still end up being nothing or something minor.”
They accepted my request.
What happened after was unexpected. My brother started calling me to check in.
This is new.
I don't know what he was thinking or feeling but the end result was noticeable—we spoke more regularly.
Would my brother miss me?
I had never before considered what it might be like for others if something happened to me. Would it impact people? Who and how? What it might be like for my older brother to suddenly become an only child?
Whoa.
Stay Tuned
My next post will share what this experience prompted me to do. How I began thinking differently than I had before. How this experience ultimately changed my life. Get the next story straight to your inbox to find out what I did next.
Currently:
Reading: Tough Broad by Caroline Paul
Watching: Mo on Netflix
Thinking about: how I can get more involved with my local community
Posts I Read and Loved This Past Week
a life of faith is not a life with proof. by Jourdana Elizabeth
A beautiful reflection on faith and life. It reminds us to follow the unique creative path that we know is best for ourselves, even if it doesn’t fit the mold of what society has come to expect.Something’s missing and it’s our big sister. by Elizabeth Ann
This hit a chord in my heart. I’ve never had a big sister and this expressed so many sentiments I felt but never had words for.
!!! On the edge of my seat. My goodness do you know how to tell a story. I loved this: "My mom’s eyes started filling with tears, my dad was in a state of shock, my brother zoned out, but my sister-in-law spoke up." It vividly illustrates how the family handles such scenarios by someone not genetically related being the only one who still has her faculties. I also deeply appreciate the resources and especially the 'thinking about' section ... it nudges my mind open just a squeak further. Huge fan of BB! Thank you Shailla.